Which shirt makes me most invisible?
It’s a familiar pull. Not wanting to stand out. But still wanting to be noticed.
To be special. But not weird.
It’s the morning of my 2nd first Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Every fiber of my being confirms I MUST go. Every fiber of my being begs me to stay in bed.
Getting out of bed each morning is the absolute hardest part of my day. Every day. It’s been that way for a long time now. So long I’ve lost track of the number. Weeks? Months? Years?
But on this morning I rise. Shower. Apply makeup I am sure will be cried off. Don the brown shirt. And weep my way across town.
A tear for the laying of it down
A tear for the grace to start again
A tear for the wasted time
A tear for the little girl who first filled her soul — and not just her stomach — with food
A tear for the woman who never learned another way
A tear for the courage of the one who invited me to this meeting
A tear for the love already carrying me home
I am grateful to meet in a chapel. For I know this is holy work.
Home is anywhere that welcomes my story — all of it. So in that circle of 6 — with whining pipes and rain splashed stained glass, my soul surrenders all its broken pieces. And settles into hope. A tiny, tiny hope.
I am not disillusioned. This will be hard. It will hurt. This will be more breaking and picking up and mending than I could ever know right now.
It will be my life’s work
It will be my story
It will be my offering
It will be my hallelujah
I own not an expensive perfume to pour on His feet. But these tears. These pieces. These moment by moment surrenders are no less precious to Him.
For it is all I have to give.
The chip in my pocket says, “Welcome. I put my hand in yours… and together we can do what we could never do alone.”
And I remember again. “We’re all just walking each other home.” (Ram Dass, spiritual guide)
In response to the 31 Day blogging challenge, I will be publishing EVERY DAY in October — reporting on ways I reach out to bravery in my everyday life. (See all posts to date HERE.) To be alerted to new posts, please follow me on Facebook or Twitter using the links on the right side of this page. Or Subscribe to get posts sent to your Email.
PLEASE use the comment section to share your own thoughts, questions, or experiences of everyday bravery. It’s a road better traveled with friends.