Rainy Stained Glass Windows (Brave Every Day)

A view of the famed Rose Window in Notre Dame Cathedral, Paris, France.
A view of the famed Rose Window in Notre Dame Cathedral, Paris, France.

Which shirt makes me most invisible?

It’s a familiar pull. Not wanting to stand out. But still wanting to be noticed.

To be special. But not weird.

It’s the morning of my 2nd first Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Every fiber of my being confirms I MUST go. Every fiber of my being begs me to stay in bed.

Getting out of bed each morning is the absolute hardest part of my day. Every day. It’s been that way for a long time now. So long I’ve lost track of the number. Weeks? Months? Years?

But on this morning I rise. Shower. Apply makeup I am sure will be cried off. Don the brown shirt. And weep my way across town.

A tear for the laying of it down
A tear for the grace to start again
A tear for the wasted time
A tear for the little girl who first filled her soul — and not just her stomach — with food
A tear for the woman who never learned another way
A tear for the courage of the one who invited me to this meeting
A tear for the love already carrying me home

I am grateful to meet in a chapel. For I know this is holy work.

Home is anywhere that welcomes my story — all of it. So in that circle of 6 — with whining pipes and rain splashed stained glass, my soul surrenders all its broken pieces. And settles into hope. A tiny, tiny hope.

I am not disillusioned. This will be hard. It will hurt. This will be more breaking and picking up and mending than I could ever know right now.

It will be my life’s work
It will be my story
It will be my offering
It will be my hallelujah

I own not an expensive perfume to pour on His feet. But these tears. These pieces. These moment by moment surrenders are no less precious to Him.

For it is all I have to give.

The chip in my pocket says, “Welcome. I put my hand in yours… and together we can do what we could never do alone.”

And I remember again. “We’re all just walking each other home.” (Ram Dass, spiritual guide)

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brave-squareIn response to the 31 Day blogging challenge, I will be publishing EVERY DAY in October — reporting on ways I reach out to bravery in my everyday life. (See all posts to date HERE.) To be alerted to new posts, please follow me on Facebook or Twitter using the links on the right side of this page. Or Subscribe to get posts sent to your Email.

PLEASE use the comment section to share your own thoughts, questions, or experiences of everyday bravery. It’s a road better traveled with friends.

18 thoughts on “Rainy Stained Glass Windows (Brave Every Day)

  1. That must have been hard to do and then to write, well done Brave Sister x
    Rachel recently posted…Worship – Declaring SalvationMy Profile

    • Thank you Rachel. The finally going to a meeting was 1000x harder than writing about it. Because when you finally find something that gives you hope, it’s actually kind of hard to keep quiet about it. Even if the road ahead is still a hard one.
      Beth recently posted…Tunneling from Both Sides (Brave Every Day)My Profile

  2. Robyn

    Very brave! Sometimes showing up is half the battle. Thanks for sharing.

    • Sometimes showing up is all we can manage. But I believe it’s often all that He asks.

  3. Amber Cadenas

    You are stunning here, Beth. I ache with your bravery. And I can’t help but feel the writing you do in this 31 days might be part of a larger work one day.

    This quote of yours bit me so, so deep: “Home is anywhere that welcomes my story – all of it.” Thank you.

    • Your friendship is home to me, too, Amber. For exactly the same reason. Thank you.

  4. I love the l8ne, “This will he m6 hallelujah! ” Yes it will! Sending prayers for grace to cover you in this! I am excited for you!

    • May I always, always make any victory over addiction be about HIS glory. Thank you for reading, Sharon.

  5. Beth, I’m so glad you introduced yourself to me over at my blog. This IS hard. You ARE brave. I keep thinking about how we are told to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. King David would speak to himself saying, “Why are you downcast, my soul?” Then he would praise the God Almighty until he felt better. So, we talk to ourselves sometimes. We tell ourselves, “I am strong. I am brave. I am beautiful. I am a chosen, precious daughter of the most High King. I am a lioness awaking from her slumber.” Let’s get it, sister!

    • Yes, Darlene. That renewing of our mind and letting the Spirit be the loudest in our heads is a constant struggle, isn’t it. I’m so glad to have “met” you and cheer you on.

  6. I applaud your bravery. And I like the quote in your chip. Recovery really is a group process.

    Your tears made me cry and I could relate to so many of them. Thanks for putting into words what my tears are also saying
    susan recently posted…Finding Laughter: Instructional Videos (day 3)My Profile

    • Naming my tears has helped me understand myself better — and give me permission to feel lots of things at once. Even in tears, all kinds of feelings can be true at once. If my words helped you in any way, I am so glad.

  7. Cathleen

    I recently connected with you again through FB and your blogs. I always liked you and enjoyed working with you. But these words are just amazing to me, that you share with the world to help yourself and others and that you are even more beautiful inside than I recognized when we first connected. Thanks for being brave…it is now something that I have added to my daily vision board. –be brave every day…..thanks for being brave and taking your step of faith to show me I could take mine too.

    • Oh, Cathleen. I am so happy we have “found” each other again. I’ve had wonderful mentors who have modeled transparency for me and their braveness has seeped into my soul. If I can do the same for you in any kind of measure, then I am so very blessed by that.

  8. dear dear Beth, You are brave indeed. I attend a 12 step group for addictions…mine is overeating and I am working (slowly) through the 12 steps. It’s a good journey and it’s a hard one, so so worth it. I would like to hear more as you feel led or simply email me. rooting for you, for us.

    • My beautiful Carol. I hate knowing you struggle with addiction but how my heart leapt to discover this kindred piece between us. I’m rooting for us, too. And will most certainly remember your invitation to connect. That you for adding your “me, too” to my brave.
      Beth recently posted…Rainy Stained Glass Windows (Brave Every Day)My Profile

  9. Incredibly, brave, Beth.

    • Thank you, Jennifer.

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